I am frustrated beyond reason and in need of your help! "Homework hour" at our house has become "battle hour" and I am seriously at the end of my rope with it all. One of my children (who shall remain unnamed) struggles E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y to get his homework done (I am not exaggerating when I say he struggles EVERYDAY. He has seriously struggled with every homework assignment from the very first worksheet he brought home in kindergarten to the load of homework he brought home today. That is 5 years of struggling people and I have completely had it!!) He spends the better part of his homework time crying, complaining, and flying into fits of anger. In the process, I get frustrated and loose my patience. What is supposed to be an educational/ live learning experience for him turns into a painful fight. Anyway, I am just not sure what to do here. I have tried everything I can think of to help and well, clearly nothing is working. In fact- it seems the harder I try to help him the worse it gets!! Anyway, I need your thoughts and ideas (and to be quite honest your sympathy) on the matter. In short, I need homework help and I need it ASAP (preferable before homework hour tomorrow afternoon)!!
If you are serious about helping (and I hope you are) here are a list of facts that might help you help me.
- Homework has ALWAYS been a huge struggle for Spencer. From the very first assignment in kindergarten (where we both ended up in tears) to today.
- It doesn't seem to matter what the subject matter of the assignment is or how large or small it is- he struggles to get it done.
- He struggles to stay focused on the task at hand. Assignment that has more than one step are really challenging for Spence. So you can imagine that several assignments with two or more steps each are almost impossible. What should take 10 to 15 minutes at most to complete- takes him an hour. Now, it is not that he doesn't understand what he is supposed to do (he knows what he is being asked and he can tell me how to do it) but he can't seem to get it out of his brain and onto the paper. He has an incredible memory too -he memorizes long letter and number sequences, poems, songs, even long passages from books for fun with no problems at all. So this trait is really frustrating to me- it is really hard not to think he is just being stubborn and lazy.
- He is easily distracted. In fact, the very paper he is writing on and the pencil he uses to get it done are distractions for Spencer. A piece of paper, a crayon, music, talking, the clicking of a clock, his own hand- these things (and many more) are distractions.
- The more I do to "help" the worse it is. Here are a few things I have tried
- Setting aside a certain time of day for homework- otherwise known as "homework hour". We have tried having homework hour right after school, in the middle of the afternoon, and after dinner. All of these times result in the same thing- tears, frustration and a lot less learning than all the hassle is worth.
- Setting aside a specific place to do homework. We have designated the dining room table as the place for doing homework. It is a comfortable place with lots of light away from the distractions of TV and toys. We have a homework box full of pencils, crayons, markers, scissors, etc. so everything he needs is right there. If left alone in the dining room for even a few minutes Spencer will be on the floor sprawled all over the place working. Hum, I am not sure having a specific place to do homework is working for Spencer.
- Making myself available to help with homework. I try really hard to make myself available for the kids during homework hour. I sit at the table with them (doing some of my our work). The idea being that if they need something- they don't have to "stop" what they are doing to get the help they need. I think it also teaches them that learning is a life long process- not something you only do when you are in school and have an assignment from a teacher. Anyway... so I make myself available to help. Now, this works well for Ross- he asks a question or two and does the rest on his own. But Spencer... momma mia! If I am sitting at the table, Spencer talks to me non stop. He wants to know what the date is, how you spell this word and that, what I think the answer to problem 12 might be. When he isn't trying to get me to do his work for him, he is talking to me about inertia, eagles digestive systems, the components of strong concrete (just to name a few of the things he wanted to talk about today). It makes me crazy. Seriously how many times can one woman say, "Son, I have already been to fourth grade. This assignment isn't for me, IT IS FOR YOU!" and "I'd love to talk with you about inertia/ digestive systems /concrete WHEN YOU ARE DONE WITH YOUR HOMEWORK!!!" The trouble is when I make myself available- it distracts him and infuriates me but when I am not there he doesn't do a thing.
- Letting him set the "rules" about homework. For one week I let Spencer decide when and where to do his homework. The only rule was that it had to be done right and turned in on time. It was insane! He would scramble to get his work done in the 10 minutes before bed or on the bus on the way to school the next day. He was a total stress ball the entire week (and to be honest II was too) but we stuck with the deal. In the end, he missed a few assignments because he "forgot to turn them in" and lost a time on "Fun Friday" I didn't see any change in the pace at which he worked or in the amount of complaining he did while getting his work done.
- Giving rewards. I have not yet found something that really motivated Spencer- food, money, toys, time with friends, special privileges, time with Mom and Dad- nothing seems to work.
- Giving punishments. I have not found a punishment that works either. There are several punishments we use that make him mad but none that actually result in a change of behavior.
- Giving up. I have tried this too-pretending that he can do whatever he wants and I really don't care. But given the length and intensity of the post I am sure you can tell that this approach isn't working either.
Alright, tear me up friends. What am I doing wrong? What can I do better / differently? How can I help this child succeed without "breaking" him or "babying" him? Is his response to homework normal and I just don't know it? Does he have some sort of learning disability that I don't know about? I am desperate for help. Seriously, I will read any book, buy any program, try any method... I just want to help my son get the learning and education he needs to succeed in life. I want him to form good study habits now that will help him throughout his life. I want help him to use the great mind he has been blessed with do something important and fulfilling. I want what is best for him and I want him to be happy!
Missy | October 30, 2008 at 10:40 AM
Homework is a battle over here as well. I finally told Connor that I wasn't going to work so hard so that he could get a reward (fun Friday)if he wasn't willing to help. That's worked for us (so far..I'm not counting on it lasting). You have been thorough in your efforts to find something that works for both of you. Have you tried breaking it up into sections? (Ex: Math facts after school, science before dinner, spelling before bed with breaks in between.) Sometimes if I can get Connor to work on something while he's having an after school snack that seems to ease the pain- although that might be more of a distraction for Spence. I'm rambling more than helping. It's hard and I wish you best! You're amazing in all your doing, don't give up!
Bonnie | October 30, 2008 at 10:54 AM
Help is on the way..one day at a time..our new family mantra! Great chatting this morning!
MARE + 3= CRAZY!!! | October 30, 2008 at 2:16 PM
Laura~
I feel your pain. I too have a little one who is 8 almost 9 that struggles with his homework. It seems his issues are not as severe as Spencers, but it is none the less a battle. My middle child is a dream when it comes to homework, school work, church work. She is a piece of cake, she is also a perfectionist which brings on it's own set of issues.My oldest just doesn't really care too much about her school work, she is a procrastinator & prefers to scramble at the last minute, she says she works better that way. She also has trouble with testing. The youngest who is our only boy is a very smart child, he is bright & inquisitive & is a fact freak (he knows so much it's nutty) But he also is my dramatic child, who wears his heart on his sleeve, who gets frustrated & angry & upset at himself at the drop of a hat. 3 kids all 3 completely different.We struggle with homework almost every day. I read all of your helpful hints & they are all good ones. I did just talk with a mom the other day about this. She said she tried letting her daugther decide when she did her homework. Like you said it had to be done before bed & turned in on time. That is a good idea. I have found that the later you wait in the evening the worse it gets. Have you tried starting home work setting the timer for like 10 min. at a time & then taking a break. I know that is much more of making it seem like it might be a all night project. But I think sometimes after being at school all day & then coming home to more school work can be overwhelming. I mean they are children. You could say for every 10 minutes of homework you can have 10 or 20 minutes of free time. Then check with his teacher, find out if that particular teacher gives a lot of homework. Maybe talking with his teacher to see if he has these difficulties at school. Perhaps you can try things that help him at school. Lastly as far as the destractions go. Perhaps & I am not one to promote labeling a child with any sort of disabilitly but perhaps there is something like that going on. Perhaps addressing it might be the key to turning this around. I know my Kyle is a wiggle worm & very easily distracted. I am consantly having to say, Kyle over here, we are working on this, he skips to another problem right in the middle of the problem we are currently working on & adds answers to that one. It can be so gut wreching doing home work with your kids. Then you feel so badly when they get angry or frustrated with themselves. I hear you & undestand Laura. Good luck with this. Take care & I send you patience. :):) Marianne
MARE + 3= CRAZY!!! | October 30, 2008 at 2:16 PM
Laura~
I feel your pain. I too have a little one who is 8 almost 9 that struggles with his homework. It seems his issues are not as severe as Spencers, but it is none the less a battle. My middle child is a dream when it comes to homework, school work, church work. She is a piece of cake, she is also a perfectionist which brings on it's own set of issues.My oldest just doesn't really care too much about her school work, she is a procrastinator & prefers to scramble at the last minute, she says she works better that way. She also has trouble with testing. The youngest who is our only boy is a very smart child, he is bright & inquisitive & is a fact freak (he knows so much it's nutty) But he also is my dramatic child, who wears his heart on his sleeve, who gets frustrated & angry & upset at himself at the drop of a hat. 3 kids all 3 completely different.We struggle with homework almost every day. I read all of your helpful hints & they are all good ones. I did just talk with a mom the other day about this. She said she tried letting her daugther decide when she did her homework. Like you said it had to be done before bed & turned in on time. That is a good idea. I have found that the later you wait in the evening the worse it gets. Have you tried starting home work setting the timer for like 10 min. at a time & then taking a break. I know that is much more of making it seem like it might be a all night project. But I think sometimes after being at school all day & then coming home to more school work can be overwhelming. I mean they are children. You could say for every 10 minutes of homework you can have 10 or 20 minutes of free time. Then check with his teacher, find out if that particular teacher gives a lot of homework. Maybe talking with his teacher to see if he has these difficulties at school. Perhaps you can try things that help him at school. Lastly as far as the destractions go. Perhaps & I am not one to promote labeling a child with any sort of disabilitly but perhaps there is something like that going on. Perhaps addressing it might be the key to turning this around. I know my Kyle is a wiggle worm & very easily distracted. I am consantly having to say, Kyle over here, we are working on this, he skips to another problem right in the middle of the problem we are currently working on & adds answers to that one. It can be so gut wreching doing home work with your kids. Then you feel so badly when they get angry or frustrated with themselves. I hear you & undestand Laura. Good luck with this. Take care & I send you patience. :):) Marianne
MARE + 3= CRAZY!!! | October 30, 2008 at 2:16 PM
Laura~
I feel your pain. I too have a little one who is 8 almost 9 that struggles with his homework. It seems his issues are not as severe as Spencers, but it is none the less a battle. My middle child is a dream when it comes to homework, school work, church work. She is a piece of cake, she is also a perfectionist which brings on it's own set of issues.My oldest just doesn't really care too much about her school work, she is a procrastinator & prefers to scramble at the last minute, she says she works better that way. She also has trouble with testing. The youngest who is our only boy is a very smart child, he is bright & inquisitive & is a fact freak (he knows so much it's nutty) But he also is my dramatic child, who wears his heart on his sleeve, who gets frustrated & angry & upset at himself at the drop of a hat. 3 kids all 3 completely different.We struggle with homework almost every day. I read all of your helpful hints & they are all good ones. I did just talk with a mom the other day about this. She said she tried letting her daugther decide when she did her homework. Like you said it had to be done before bed & turned in on time. That is a good idea. I have found that the later you wait in the evening the worse it gets. Have you tried starting home work setting the timer for like 10 min. at a time & then taking a break. I know that is much more of making it seem like it might be a all night project. But I think sometimes after being at school all day & then coming home to more school work can be overwhelming. I mean they are children. You could say for every 10 minutes of homework you can have 10 or 20 minutes of free time. Then check with his teacher, find out if that particular teacher gives a lot of homework. Maybe talking with his teacher to see if he has these difficulties at school. Perhaps you can try things that help him at school. Lastly as far as the destractions go. Perhaps & I am not one to promote labeling a child with any sort of disabilitly but perhaps there is something like that going on. Perhaps addressing it might be the key to turning this around. I know my Kyle is a wiggle worm & very easily distracted. I am consantly having to say, Kyle over here, we are working on this, he skips to another problem right in the middle of the problem we are currently working on & adds answers to that one. It can be so gut wreching doing home work with your kids. Then you feel so badly when they get angry or frustrated with themselves. I hear you & undestand Laura. Good luck with this. Take care & I send you patience. :):) Marianne
RaYnA | October 30, 2008 at 3:12 PM
Laura,
Here are some things that I can think of:
First of all, talk to his teacher about this, and ask for ideas.
Get down to the route (by asking him, not during homework time) of why he does not want to do homework. What specifically does he not like about it. Why is he so distracted when it comes to homework?
Provide him with an egg timer, let him set the time frame for how long it will take him to do each assignment.
Find out if he can do homework in the library afterschool. Maybe he doesn't like doing homework at home. Can you get a homework club together at someone else's house. Even if it rotates houses, it might help.
I hope this gives you some ideas.
Love,
Rayna
MARE + 3= CRAZY!!! | November 1, 2008 at 3:51 PM
love how my gynormous comment posted 3 times, NICE, sorry to take up so much space. Talk about rambling... :):0
Anonymous | November 9, 2008 at 4:05 PM
Laura-
My friend had the same exact issues with her 4th grade son. She recently tried something and it worked fabulously....a big difference day one and it got better each day. I would like for you to talk to her.