Ross had been acting particularly grumpy the last few days so I decided we needed a little snuggle time to get to the bottom of things.

After our regular night time routine yesterday I called him in to snuggle and talk. I said, "Ross, I am worried about you. Are you okay?" After a few moments of thought he said, "Okay Mom here is the deal, I either want you to give me up for adoption or I want to see some changes around here." Despite his complete sincerity I found it hard not to laugh. After composing myself I managed to say, "Well, since giving you up for adoption is not an option- lets hear about the changes you would like to see." He launched into a list of 7 things he wanted to be different about our family- clearly he had given this some thought. Here they are in the order he gave them to me.

1. Making money chores worth more than $1 each.
2. Giving a raise in allowance.
3. Getting better "stuff" to play with.
4. Getting a pet you can "play with" (like a dog, chickens or a fish (his words not mine))
5. Doing more fun things as a family.
6. Being less busy.
7. Getting a game system of some sort.

Seriously people, what am I going to do with this kid? I love that he was willing to share his concerns (heck I am impressed that he could identify and verbalize what was bothering him) but... mama mia! Isn't this a little... I don't know, weird?

I mean, I actually agree with him on many of these things- they are changes I would like to see too (all except the game system thing of course). We have an extraordinary boring life and I imagine it is stifling to a fun loving guy like Ross but I am just not sure what to do about it.

On the one hand, life to is to lived to its fullest and enjoyed and if you can make things better for your children you should, right? But sometimes I think my kids have it WAY too easy and WAY too good. They had no idea what life is like for most people. I mean, if my sons greatest concerns in life are that he doesn't have a pet to play with or a game system to use, then his view is pretty limited. And while I get that that is probably normal for a 7 year old, I wish there was someway to teach them to recognize how much they have and to be grateful for it. Of course, we talk about "counting our blessing" and being grateful and living here in Italy (where so many people have so little) has helped a little but... they only know it in their minds they don't yet feel it in their hearts. (SIGH)

What can I do to teach them? How can I be a better example? What experience can I create for them to help them understand? Is it wrong to want them to have everything great opportunity and experience I can provide? Is it cruel to want them to make to struggle for things? What is the right balance?

I have recently made a discovery... the nothingness of August (and all of the uncomfortable feelings it produces) is really what drives the madness I call "my life" the rest of the year. It is the fear that the rest of the year will feel as unproductive and unfulfilled as August that causes me to over do all day long, day after day, month in and month out. Interesting, isn't it? But I am not quite sure what to do about it.

You'd think the answer was simple, just do more in August and do less the rest of the months of the year... but there is a catch. There really is NOTHING to do in August in Italy. Really, I am not kidding- there is NOTHING TO DO. So you see the madness that is sure to follow in September, October, November, December, etc. is... inevitable. (sigh) What is a girl to do?

This is how I feel about August.

I am sorry to say so friends but sadly it is true I am about to write about my bodily functions. So if that is too intimate a subject for you... you can stop reading now and I will understand.

Okay here is the deal... before I moved to Italy I had blown my nose a grand total of about 7 times my whole life. I don't know why but I just never needed to. I mean, occasionally I would catch a cold that required it but for the most part I lived quite happily without a tissue box by my side. BUT (and this is the reason for this post) that is no longer the case. NOW I have to blow my nose EVERYDAY- SOMETIMES TWICE!!

What is up with that? I remember my Dad blowing his nose often when I was growing up but I just that it was a "Dad thing". Now I find myself doing the same thing and it really has me perplexed. Is this nose blowing madness a "Mattson thing", a "Naples thing", (gulp) "older person thing"?

The worst part about it is that it has gotten so out of hand I am actually contemplating buying a box of tissues for each room of the house!!! I know, I know it is crazy! But don't worry mom- I will refrain.

Okay, okay I know it is silly but I have total issues with Facebook. The first and probably greatest dilemma is that I don't really know what my problem with it really is. Honestly have no idea why I am so oppsed to opening an account. In fact, the more I learn about it the cooler I think it is and the more I want to open my own account. But despite multiple invitations from people I love and want to be in touch with...I resist. And therein lays the dilemma (sigh)!

Are you on facebook? Do you love it? Why?

Just before school ended Ross's class had a special activity called "Books for Breakfast". Parents where invited into the classroom to read the books and journals their children had written through out the year. It was really fun and of course, Ross's writings were hilarious. One of his journal entries, though it made me laugh at first, has really made me think. He wrote, "I REALLY want a Wii but my Mom will never, never, never, never, never (never was written at least twenty times) let me have one!!"

It is true, I don't plan on ever getting a Wii or any game system for that matter and I guess the kids have learned that no amount of fussing for one is going to make a difference. But really is that so bad? I mean part of me thinks it is great that they are finally getting used to the idea. BUT... there is another part of me that feels like the big bad monster mom because "we are the ONLY people on the planet without a Wii." I mean, am I depriving my kids of some essential childhood joy but not letting them have a one?

You may be wondering, like my kids do, what I have against the Wii. The truth is I don't have anything against the Wii. In fact, I think it is incredibly cool. I just don't want one in my house. Is that so wrong!?! Is it possible to be a kind, loving parent and not have one? (sigh) What is a woman to do?

So... do you have a Wii or other game system? Are you glad you have one (or two or three)? What do you like about the one you have? What do you not like about it? How do you feel it affects your family?

I still don't plan on buying a Wii anytime soon, I am just curious how you feel about it.

A few days ago my Sister had this link on her blog to find out what flavor cupcake you are. I thought it would be fun / funny to see what flavor I turned out to be so, I took the test and...

I am a Mint Chocolate Cupcake

I am whimsical and quite quirky.

I am unlike any other person I know (expect my sister who is also a mint chocolate cupcake).

I am drawn to similarly offbeat people from all walks of life.

I am like a cupcake because I am unique and expressive.

I have a refreshing take on the world.

I am often surprising... even to myself (ain't that the truth- I thought I was vanilla through and through!)

A few days ago Ross asked me if I had ever seen someone die. I was startled by his question- it seemed completely random to me. But his question was sincere and I wanted to be truthful- so I thought about it. At first I thought of my Grandma and Grandpa and Cousin and Uncle who have all passed away. Thinking of them, their lives and their deaths brought back a flood of memories. And though I felt some sadness- my heart was filled with peaceful about what I had seen and experienced. I shared my feelings with Ross and thought that was the end of it.

BUT THEN I realized that I had seen another person die, a stranger. And I had never really dealt with the trauma of what happened. In fact, I have never really talked about it with anyone. Anyway, I have given this woman and her last minutes in life a lot of thought lately. I have cried about it several times and I think I am finally ready to share what happened.

After Hurricane Katrina hit- the boys and I flew from Jackson Mississippi to Oakland California to stay with my Mom and Dad until things were "livable" in Long Beach again. Our flight left Jackson in the late afternoon and stopped in Huston Texas to switch planes. The boys were little and I was flying with them alone- so I wasn't paying much attention to the other passengers on the flight but I could tell that most of them were just like me- fleeing the hurricane devastated south until things returned to normal. The flight from Huston to Oakland was 4 + hours but it was late at night- the boys were fed and I was hoping / praying that they would fall asleep so I could get some rest. I was exhausted.

Shortly after take off the boys did fall asleep but I didn't get any rest. About 1 hour into the flight Ross woke up and needed to use the bathroom. We walked up the long dark aisle to the restroom and I waited outside while he went potty. The plane was dark and quite and most of the passengers were sleeping. When Ross was done I got him drink and started walking back to my seat when the woman sitting in the front row on the right fell face first out of her seat onto the floor at my feet. I was so surprised. I knelt down and put my face next to hers and asked if she was okay. She did not respond. I could see that she was struggling to breath but she could not talk. I looked around wildly for a flight attendant but they were all in the back of the plane. I waved my hands back and forth but they did not notice me. I yelled HELP! And the whole plane woke up.

They rushed to the front of the plane and tried to decide what to do. I told them she needed CPR. But when she feel half her body was under the seat and the other half was wedged in the aisle- and it took a long time (too long) to get into a position where CPR could be done. By the time she was turned over- her heart had stopped beating. They tried to do chest compressions but it was not working. They had a defibrillator on board and decided to try it but it was in a cabinet that could not be opened because of the way she was laying in the aisle. After 20 minutes or so it was clear to everyone on board that she was dead.

The pilots decided to make an emergency landing but Ross and I were still in the front of the plane and she was still wedged in the aisle. We climbed over the seats back to our seat- my legs felt like jello. As soon as I sat down I felt shaky and sick. I thought, What in the world? Why is this happening to me God? I am tired and scared and alone. Have I not already had enough trauma this week? And then the scripture came to mind, "All these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good." Really, someday this will be for my good? Okay. I'll take that on faith but for now if you could just help me hold myself together until we get home- I'd appreciate it.

The plane landed. An emergency medical crew rushed aboard and confirmed that the woman was dead. An investigation crew came on next, took pictures and documented what happened. They took names and numbers of the people involved. After almost two hours of sitting and waiting on the plane while all of this was taking place, the woman's body was removed and the flight resumed its original course. When the plane landed in Oakland a huge sense of relief washed over me. I expected to cry but I didn't. I just sat in my seat- I could not move. It was only after every other passenger and all of the flight attendants but one had gotten off the plane that I finally started to gather my things. As I was packing up the one remaining flight attendant (the first one to rushed up the aisle to help and the one who had given the CPR) came up to me and asked, "Do you want to know her story?" I really didn't know. Knowing her story might make it harder. He could tell I was conflicted so he said, "I want to tell you her story- is that okay?" I said, "Yes" Here is what he told me.

The woman who died tonight was a native of New Orleans. When she heard that hurricane Katrina was heading her way she wanted to leave but she was house bound so she could not. As the hurricane got closer and closer and it became clear that she could not stay any longer- she was taken to the Super Dome with thousands of other hurricane evacuees. She was in the Super Dome for three days with very little food or water and no medication. Because of her poor health she was one of the first people bused to Houston for medical care. After being in the hospital for 2 days and after being declared "stable enough to fly" she was given a free plane ticket to Oakland California to the home of her mother. She hadn't seen her mom in 13 years.

My heart was broken. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I just stood there is disbelief. And until a few days ago my emotions about this experience were frozen in that moment in time. But I have thought a lot about it over the last few days and here is what I have discovered. God is aware of us. The timing and placement of our time on earth is not accidental- He is over all. The old Testament says there is not a sparrow that falls without His noticing. Certainly this woman, His child did not die without His knowing either. I have discovered that while I may not always understand why things happen the way they do I can have faith that He is working a grander plan for each of us than we are working for ourselves. I have discovered that when I put my trust in Him, in His timing, His plan, His will- I feel peace.

Confession #1: I have always wanted to be a undercover cop. I know it sounds pretty ridiculous but I just think it would be cool. It is everything I love (action, challenge, a little bit of danger, drama, unpredictability, human relations and community service) all wrapped up into one job. Seriously- how cool is that? Confession #2: I have never actually told anyone that before...so SHHHHHH!